Life is beautiful - Sixx A.M

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful
Will you swear on your life?
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful
Will you swear on your life?
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful
Will you swear on your life?
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful
Will you swear on your life?
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Learn my lesson - Daughtry

Tonight the sunset means so much
The one thing that you know you'll never touch
Like the feeling, the real thing
I reach out for that sweet dream

But somehow the darkness wakes me up
And I've felt this emptiness before
But all the times that I've been broken
I still run right back for more

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You're bound to feel the flame

You think that I'd learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing

Sometimes I think I'm better off
To turn out the lights and close up shop
And give up the longing, believing in belonging
Just hold down my head and take the loss

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You're bound to feel the flame

You'd think that I'd learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out
That if you strike that match
You're bound to feel the flame

You'd think that I'd learn the cost of love
Paid that price long enough
But still I drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven't learned a thing

You'd think that I'd learn my lesson by now
You'd think that I'd somehow figure out

I haven’t learned a thing
I haven’t learned, haven’t learned
I haven’t learned a thing

Paralyzer - Finger Eleven

I hold on so nervously
To me and my drink
I wish it was cooling me
But so far, has not been good
It’s been shitty
And I feel awkward, as I should
This club has got to be
The most pretentious thing
Since I thought you and me
Well I am imagining
A dark lit place
Or your place or my place

Well I’m not paralyzed
But I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

I hold out for one more drink
Before I think
I’m looking too desperately
But so far has not been fun
I should just stay home
If one thing really means one
This club will hopefully
Be closed in three weeks
That would be cool with me
Well I’m still imagining
A dark lit place
Or your place or my place

Well I’m not paralyzed
But I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

Well I’m not paralyzed
But I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

Not paralyzed
But I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

Living in a dream - Finger Eleven

I was never the kind
To be taking my time
Any place that's worth a damn
And today's another day
That I've gone and thrown away
And I don't care where it lands

Cause I'm just thinking about us
I've been living in a dream about you
And now I know you were all I ever wanted on my mind
And if I never see
My own reality
Well, I'm okay to leave it all behind

I'll be gone for a time
Tuning out for a while
It's gonna look like I'm not all there
I've decided that today
Seems alright to piss away
Ignore my empty stare

Cause I'm just thinking about us
I've been living in a dream about you
And now I know you were all I ever wanted on my mind
And if I never see
My own reality
Well, I'm okay to leave it all behind

When I come down
And look around
I can't believe
The fantasy is gone like a memory
Out of my reach
Fading out from me
You're fading out from me

I've been living in a dream about you
And now I know you were all I ever wanted on my mind
And if I never see
My own reality
Well, I'm okay to leave it all behind

Famous last words - Finger Eleven

My last words to you
I think I might romanticized
I don't think I'd be satisfied
If all I said was, “Goodbye”
And my last words to you
Don't come to mind as the time goes by
I think I said, “Thank you”
Or I might've just said, “See you around”

But hey, what the hell's the difference anyway?
I never could find the right words to say
You always left me speechless anyway
And words still elude me to this day

I know you never heard any famous last words

My last words to you
Don't come to mind as the time goes by
I think I said, “Thank you”
Or I might've just said, “See you around”

But hey, what the hell's the difference anyway?
I never could find the right words to say
You always left me speechless anyway
And words still elude me to this day
There's not more I can do, but wander on, on, on

I know you never heard
Any famous last words, no
I know you never heard
Any famous last words, no

Not much more I can do, but wander on, on, on

I know you never heard
Any famous last words, no
I know you never heard
Any famous last words, no
I know you never heard
Any famous last words, no
I know you never heard
Any famous last words, no

Gloomy Salad Days - Xiao Lun and Da Dong

The mystery of being seventeen

How can you see what my face looks like?

Don’t know what I want

The life that I want
Why can’t I say it out loud?
Is it because the world bullies me on purpose?

Why can’t I chase my dreams?

Why does youth weigh so much?
Why do dreams brush past me?
Loving bravely because of the foolishness of youth
And also be confused by love

Is it because people fight with their fists when they grow up?
Is it because wearing high heels make you look more mature?

Why does youth weigh so much?
Why do dreams brush past me?
Loving bravely because of the foolishness of youth
And also be confused by love

My worst fear - Rascal Flatts

Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did
You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there pretending to be
You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere

It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear

This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
I called out your name, but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me, you were gone

It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear

All along I knew that there was something missing
And only one thing left to do
I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living
But the only thing that left was you

It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But being alone is my worst fear
And staying here is my worst fear

Words I couldn't say - Rascal Flatts

In a book, in a box, in the closet
In a line, in a song I once heard
In a moment on a front porch late one June
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon

There it was at the tip of my fingers
There it was on the tip of my tongue
There you were and I had never been that far
There it was, the whole world wrapped inside my arms
And I let it all slip away

What do I do, now that you're gone?
No back-up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn’t say

There’s a rain that will never stop falling
There’s a wall that I’ve tried to take down
What I should have said just wouldn’t pass my lips
So I held back and now we've come to this
And it’s too late now

What do I do, now that you’re gone?
No back-up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn’t say
Are the words I couldn’t say

Should have found a way to tell you how I felt
Now the only one I’m telling is myself

What do I do, now that you’re gone?
No back-up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn’t say

What do I do, now that you’re gone?
What do I do, what do I say?
No back-up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains
Are the words I couldn’t say

Moments - Hans

Now I’m standing in this room
Remember the day I was your groom?
All I ever wanted, I had in you
And I don’t regret the day
When I told you I would stay

Your sweet kiss on the couch by night
Joy for a moment
Secrets that we shared
The love we made

I want to say that I’m sorry for a thousand things
But I’m much too far away
I want to be with you love
So I’m sorry that I can’t come home

Joy for a moment
Secrets that we shared
The love we made

I want to say that I’m sorry for a thousand things
But I’m much too far away
I want to be with you love
So I’m sorry that I can’t come home

Joy for a moment
Secrets that we shared
The love we made

I want to say that I’m sorry for a thousand things
But I’m much too far away
I want to be with you love
So I’m sorry that I can’t come home

I want to be with you love
So I’m sorry that I can’t come home

Wall of stone - Navigators

You can find a new reason
To do the things you do
It's the end of the season
Ain't nothing here for you
It's just a misunderstanding
Another hole in the ground
The things you lost are all around you

Another walk in the gutter
Another weightless fall
Another face in the mirror
It's just an endless crawl
And now you're stuck in the corner
Ain't no easy way out

You're digging too deep, my friend
You're digging too deep

Why don't you leave her all alone?
You make a mess for everyone
Why don't you leave her all alone?
Can't you see this wall of stone?

And you can't go on much longer
It's just a question of time
It's just a misunderstanding
Another downward climb
The circles keep getting smaller
And you go round and round

Ain't no-where left to turn
You're going underground

Why don't you leave her all alone?
You make a mess for everyone
Why don't you leave her all alone?
Stuck behind your wall of stone

It really ain't no point in trying
You always end up saying goodbye to someone
You're holding on to all your fears
And all the things you'll never share with no one

In the night when he longs for the light he's gonna be alright

Why don't you leave her all alone?
Cause the road you're walking on
Will never lead you home
Why don't you leave her all alone, alone, alone?
Why don't you leave her all alone?
You make a mess for everyone
Why don't you leave her all alone?
Can't you see this wall of stone?

You're digging too deep, my friend
You're digging too deep, my friend
You're digging too deep, my friend
You're digging too deep

The only hope for me is you - My Chemical Romance

Remember me
Remember me
Remember me
Remember me

Where, where will you stand?
When all the lights go out
Across these city streets
Where were you when
All of the embers fell?
I still remember them
Covered in ash, covered in glass
Covered in all my friends
I still think of the bombs they build

If there’s a place that I could be
Then I’d be another memory
Can I be the only hope for you?
Because you’re the only hope for me
And if we can’t find where we belong
We’ll have to make it on our own
Face all the pain and take it on
Because the only hope for me
Is you alone

How it should be?
Many years after the disasters that we’ve seen
What have we learned?
Other than people burn in purifying flame
I say it’s okay
I know you can tell
Though you can see me smile
I still think of the guns they sell

If there’s a place that I could be
Then I’d be another memory
Can I be the only hope for you?
Because you’re the only hope for me
And if we can’t find where we belong
We’ll have to make it on our own
Face all the pain and take it on
Because the only hope for me
Is you alone

The only hope for me
The only hope for me, is you
The only hope for me, is you
The only hope for me, is you
The only hope for me, is you
The only hope

If there’s a place that I could be
Then I’d be another memory
Can I be the only hope for you?
Because you’re the only hope for me
And if we can’t find where we belong
We’ll have to make it on our own
Face all the pain and take it on
Because the only hope for me is you alone

The only hope for me is you alone

Save yourself, I'll hold them back - My Chemical Romance

Right now, I hope you’re ready for a firefight
Cause the devil’s got your number tonight
They say!
We’re never leaving this place alive
But if you sing these words, we’ll never die
Get off the ledge and drop the knife
Not a victim of a victim’s life
Because!
This ain’t a room full of suicides
We’re believers
I believe tonight

We can leave this world, leave it all behind
We can steal this car, if your folks don’t mind
We can live forever if you’ve got the time
If you save yourself tonight
If you save yourself tonight

I’ll tell you all how the story ends
Where the good guys die and the bad guys win
Who cares!
It ain’t about all the friends you made
But the graffiti they write on your grave
For all of us who’ve seen the light
Salute the dead and lead the fight
Hail, hail!
Who gives a damn if we lose the war?
Let the walls come down
Let the engines roar

We can leave this world, leave it all behind
We can steal this car, if your folks don’t mind
We can live forever if you’ve got the time

I’m the only friend that makes you cry
You’re a heart attack in black hair dye
So just save yourself and I’ll hold them back tonight
Breakdown

If you save yourself tonight
Can you save yourself tonight?
Right now
Cause I’ll hold them back

We can leave this world, leave it all behind
We can steal this car, if your folks don’t mind
We can live forever if you’ve got the time

You motherfucker
You’re the broken glass in the morning light
Be a burning star if it takes all night
So just save yourself and I’ll hold them back tonight
If you save yourself tonight
Can you save yourself tonight?

Bulletproof heart - My Chemical Romance

Gravity, don’t mean too much to me
I’m who I’ve got to be
These pigs are after me, after you
Run away, like it was yesterday
And we could run away
If we could run away
Run away from here

Got a bulletproof heart
You got a hollow point smile
Me and your runaway scars
Got a photograph dream on the getaway mile
Let’s blow a hole in this town
Too much talking with a laser blade
Gunnin’ out of this place in a bullet embrace
Then we’ll do it again
How can they say “Jenny, could you come back home?”
Cause everybody knows you don’t ever wanna come back
Let me be the one to save you

Gravity, don’t mean too much to me
I’m who I’ve got to be
These pigs are after me, after you
Run away, like it was yesterday
When we could run away
When we could run away
Run away from here

I’m shootin’ out of this room
Because I sure don’t like the company
Stop your preaching right there
Cause I really don’t care and I’ll do it again
So get me out of my head
Cause it’s getting kind of cramped, you know
Coming, ready or not
When the motor gets hot we can do it again
The papers say “Johnny, won’t you come back home?”
Cause everybody knows that you don’t
Want to give up yourself, then tell the truth
And God will save you

Gravity, don’t mean too much to me
I’m who I’ve got to be
These pigs are after me, after you
Run away, like it was yesterday
And we could run away
If we could run away
Run away from here

And though I know how much you hate this
Are you gonna be the one to save us?
From the black and hopeless feeling
Will you mean it when the end comes reeling?
Hold your heart, into this darkness
Will it ever be the light to shine you out?
Or fail and leave you stranded
I ain’t gonna be the one left standing
You ain’t gonna be the one left standing
We ain’t gonna be the ones left standing

Gravity don’t mean too much to me
Is this our destiny?
The world is after me, after you
Run away, like it was yesterday
And we could run away
Run away, run away
Run away from here

Sing - My Chemical Romance

Sing it out, boy
You got to see what tomorrow brings
Sing it out, girl
You got to be what tomorrow needs

For every time that they want to count you out
Use your voice, every single time you open up your mouth

Sing it for the boys
Sing it for the girls
Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world
Sing it from the heart
Sing it till you’re nuts
Sing it out for the ones that’ll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world

Sing it out, boy
They’re gonna sell what tomorrow means
Sing it out, girl
They’re gonna kill what tomorrow brings
You’ve got to make a choice if the music drowns you out
And raise your voice every single time they try and shut your mouth

Sing it for the boys
Sing it for the girls
Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world
Sing it from the heart
Sing it till you’re nuts
Sing it out for the ones that’ll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world

Cleaned-up corporation progress
Dying in the process
Children that can talk about it
Living on the webways, people moving sideways
Sell it till your last days
Buy yourself the motivation
Generation nothing, nothing but a dead scene
Product of a white dream
I am not the singer that you wanted, but a dancer
I refuse to answer
Talk about the past, sir
Wrote it for the ones who want to get away
Keep running

Sing it for the boys
Sing it for the girls
Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world
Sing it from the heart
Sing it till you’re not
Singing out for the ones that’ll hate your guts
Sing it for the deaf
Sing it for the blind
Sing about everyone that you left behind
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world

You’ve got to see what tomorrow brings
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world
Girl, you’ve got to be what tomorrow needs
Sing it for the world
Sing it for the world

I know, you know - The Friendly Indians

In between the lines there’s a lot of obscurity
I’m not inclined to resign to maturity
If it’s alright, then you’re all wrong
But why bounce around to the same damn song?
You’d rather run when you can’t crawl

I know, you know, that I’m not telling the truth
I know, you know, they just don’t have any proof
Embrace the deception, learn how to bend
Your worst inhibition’s gonna psych you out in the end

In between the lines there’s a lot of obscurity
I’m not inclined to resign to maturity
If it’s alright, then you’re all wrong
But why bounce around to the same damn song?
You’d rather run when you can’t crawl

I know, you know, that I’m not telling the truth
I know, you know, they just don’t have any proof
Embrace the deception, learn how to bend
Your worst inhibition’s gonna psych you out in the end

I know, you know
I know, you know
I know, you know
I know, you know

Save you - Matthew Perryman Jones

I wanna rock ‘n’ roll
I wanna give my soul
I'm wanting to believe
I'm not too old
Don't wanna make it up
Don't wanna let you down
I want to fly away
But I'm stuck on the ground

So, help me decide
Help me to make up
Make up my mind
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?

Watched it all go by
Was it really true?
Is that what it was?
Was that really you?

I'm looking back again
Tracing back the threads
You said I was a mess
Or was it just in my head?

So, help me decide
Help me to make up
Make up my mind
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?

So, help me decide
Help me to make up
Make up my mind
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?

Something's gotta break
You gotta swing the bat
Too many years of dying
Why is that?

So, help me decide
Help me to make up
Make up my mind
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?

So, help me decide
Help me to make up
Make up my mind
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?

So, help me decide
Help me to make up
Make up my mind
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?
Wouldn't that save you?

Wouldn’t that save you?
Wouldn’t that save you?
Wouldn’t that save you?

Wouldn’t that save you?
Save you
Wouldn’t that save you?

Home for Christmas - Maria Mena

Careful what you say
This time of year
Tends to weaken me
And have a little decency
And let me cry in peace
But there's a place where I
Erase the challenges I've been through
Where I know every corner
Every street name
All by heart

And so it is a part of my
Courageous plan to leave
With a broken heart
Tucked away under my sleeve

I wanna go home for Christmas
Let me go home this year
I wanna go home for Christmas
Let me go home this year

I'll pack my bags and leave
Before the sun rises tomorrow
Cause we act more like strangers for each day
That I am here
But I have people close to me
Who never will desert me
Who remind me frequently
What I was like as a child

And so it is a part of my
Courageous plan to leave
With a broken heart
Tucked away under my sleeve

I wanna go home for Christmas
Let me go home this year
I wanna go home for Christmas
Let me go home this year

I don't know what my future holds
Or who I'll choose to love me
But I can tell you where I'm from
And who loved me to life

And so it is a part of my
Courageous plan to leave
With a broken heart
Tucked away under my sleeve

I wanna go home for Christmas
Let me go home this year
I wanna go home for Christmas
Let me go home this year

I wanna go home for Christmas
Let me go home this year
I wanna go home for Christmas
Let me go home this year

From where you are - Lifehouse

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are
I’m standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

Rabbit heart (Raise it up) - Florence And The Machine

The looking glass, so shiny and new
How quickly the glamour fades
I start spinning, slipping out of time
Was that the wrong pill to take?
Raise it up

You made a deal, and now it seems you have to offer up
But will it ever be enough?
Raise it up, raise it up
It's not enough, raise it up, raise it up

Here I am, a rabbit hearted girl
Frozen in the headlights
It seems I've made the final sacrifice

We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

I look around, but I can't find you, raise it up
If only I could see your face, raise it up
Instead of rushing towards the skyline, raise it up
I wish that I could just be brave

I must become a lion hearted girl
Ready for a fight
Before I make the final sacrifice

We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

Raise it up, raise it up
Raise it up, raise it up

And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind
The waters turn from blue to red
As towards the sky I offer it

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

This is a gift

I told her not to fuss and relax

Tomorrow mother has an appointment with a doctor at the hospital in another town. About a 2 hour drive I suppose. She has a lump in her thigh which they'll do an ultrasound of and most likely operate. Unless there's complications of course. Hoping there won't be any.

Father is going with her, and I'm debating on whether or not to go too. It's not something serious or anything. So that is not the reason. But I'm bored, don't have anything to do, and I love road trips. There will also be some time to kill while mother is at the hospital so.

I almost broke down and told my parents about the time I drove to that town by myself without anyone knowing this summer/autumn (laughs). I was able to keep it in my mouth though. So they don't know, like no one else does either. I have no plans either on letting anyone in on this secret either, ever. Either way, should I stay or should I go? Can't decide. I'll just see tomorrow. They're starting quite early so. 06:45 I think. The appointment is early, but it's also good because driving through those mountain passages can be risky. Our weather has been quite unstable and bad. And they are quick to close the mountain passages if they don't think it's safe anymore. Hopefully the weather won't get that bad tomorrow. Neither in the morning or the afternoon. Would really like for mother to get to the hospital. And afterwards I'd really like to go home (laughs). That is, if I go.

I'll sleep on it I guess.


Mood: Tired
Music: Loser - Beck

Those who caved in - Maria Mena

I wouldn’t let them hurt you
I wouldn’t let them scream
You’d listen to my stories
And got back to your dreams

Stayed down on first floor
Layed low with me
I saw your pieces so magically

And how is everything in the real world?
Is anybody left there sane?
Think it’s time for you to join the minority again

Cause they won’t say they’re sorry
They won’t know you’re there
They won’t sacrifice anything to have you near
They won’t realize you’re gone before it’s too late
And painful is the ways of those who caved in and you’re too great

I understood you, I got your ways
You cried your heart out
And I held your face

And how is everything in the real world?
Is anybody left there sane?
Think it’s time for you to join the minority again

Cause they won’t say they’re sorry
They won’t know you’re there
They won’t sacrifice anything to have you near
They won’t realize you’re gone before it’s too late
And painful is the ways of those who caved in and you’re too great

Sorry
They won’t know you’re there
They won’t sacrifice anything to have you near
They won’t realize you’re gone before it’s too late
You’re too great

And tell me if you’re ever feeling down
I’ll open up and turn this world around
You’re no one if you’re just another one of them

Cause they won’t say they’re sorry
They won’t know you’re there
They won’t sacrifice anything to have you near
They won’t realize you’re gone before it’s too late
You´re too great

Sorry
Sorry
You’re too great

Sorry
Sorry
You’re too great

All the things you said to me won't even matter

Some days feel like they will never end. Maybe because I spend so much time being lost. Not knowing what to do. What comes next. What will the future be... I'm a turmoil that doesn't stop. A storm that hit no walls. A wind that doesn't calm. A cloudy sky that know of no sun. A year of winter that have no spring, no summer, no warmth. No end, no answers.

At one point in my life I was very particular about everything. But once my dream of becoming an architect shattered, some piece of me must have been broken too, something important must have disappeared. After that I've had no interest, no motivation to find something new, to hold on to something and not let go. The me now will let go straight away if something start to slip away. I just have nothing I want to hold on to.

There are so many things I've wanted to become. I wanted to have a fun and exciting life. But now I've just... I want to live simple. I want a normal job with a bit of flexibility. I just want to live in a city I feel comfortable in. Have a dog. I just want a life, a future, something that is mine.


Mood: Weird
Music: Lost cause - Beck

Does he know the way of the crickets that would convince me to call it a night?

Another day, another chance, another time to fall down.
おはよう。 Good morning.
I have a paper to write for my Culture Studies class. I have some books I should read. I have another paper I should already hand in for my Didactics class. I'm so late, so fucked, and without motivation at all.

But you see. I don't find any motivation inside of me for the simple reason that, everything I want to do is impossible for me to do anyways. So no wonder why I've stopped trying, ねえ. That's just how it's become. I want to be an air traffic controller, but I already don't have good enough grades all though my English and Norwegian is perfect and I'm not sick, my health is just fine. I want to become a vet technician, but my grades again are tying me down behind because they only take in 30 students every year and more than 1000 applies. All whom should have much better grades than me. So I don't stand a chance there either.

I decides to become a teacher, but again my grades. I need to re-take a math exam and get 3-4 on it or else I won't be accepted to the teacher-course at our college. Even if I want to be a teacher in English, Norwegian, and possibly subjects like 'Social Studies', 'Religion, rhilosophies of life and ethics'. But I still need math if I'm gonna take the teacher-course. I can other than that just take the ped. and subjects, but I don't feel like doing all that shit so...

Ahhh. So fucking, fucking, fucking complicated.

じゃまた。

Mood: Annoyed
Music: Headfirst slide into Coopestown on a bad bet - Fall Out Boy

Take it and take it and take it, until you take us all

Countdown until I'll get to watch Harry Potter 7 part 1 in the cinema *3*


Mood: Excited
Music: Rainbows - Alice Nine

Chemical courage - Jack Savoretti

Tonight has been long, I've smoked every breath
Trying to feel so alive, tempting death
I've smiled at the angels, but I fear where they live
I've taken too much, but nothing to give

My chemical courage, has come to an end
The night once my lover is no longer a friend

Well, tonight has gone wrong, cause I said what I said
I've been left all alone, to lie in my bed
Thinking, I'm just a fake, that nothing is real
If I'm asking to be saved I must learn how to kneel

Now my chemical courage has come to an end
The night once my lover is no longer my friend
Playing tricks on my eyes, shining light on my tears
I pray for a new day to hide all my fears

I can't find my way, back to where I felt safe
Now my chemical courage has come to an end
The night once my lover is no longer my friend
Playing tricks on my eyes, shining light on my tears

I pray for a new day to hide all my fears
To hide all my fears
To hide all my fears

I hate everyone - Get Set Go

Some stupid chick in the checkout line
Was paying for beers with nickels and dimes
And some old man who clipped coupons
Had argued whenever they wouldn't take one
All I wanted to buy was some cigarettes
But I couldn't take it anymore so I left

I hate everyone
I hate everyone
I hate everyone
I hate everyone

All the people on the street, I hate you all
And the people that I meet, I hate you all
And the people that I know, I hate you all
And the people that I don't, I hate you all
Oh, I hate you all

Some fucking asshole just cut me off
And gave me the finger when I fucking honked
Then he proceeded to put on the brakes
He slammed on the brakes, but I made a mistake
When I climbed out of my van he was waiting
But he was six three and two hundred pounds of Satan

I hate everyone
I hate everyone
I hate everyone
I hate everyone

All the people on the street, I hate you all
And the people that I meet, I hate you all
And the people that I know, I hate you all
And the people that I don't, I hate you all
Oh, I hate you all

I bet you think I'm kidding
But I promise you its true
I hate most everybody
But most of all I hate
Oh, I hate you

All the people on the street, I hate you all
And the people that I meet, I hate you all
And the people that I know, I hate you all
And the people that I don't, I hate you all
And the people in the east, I hate you all
And the people I hate least, I hate you all
And the people in the west, I hate you all
And the people I like best, I hate you all
Oh, I hate you all

What does your least favorite school subject say about you?

Disliking Math Says You Are Expressive

You are an expressive, passionate, and
spontaneous person.
For you, math is way too cold a subject. You
dislike how black and white it is.

While some people have extreme passion for math,
that would take far more work than you're willing
to put in.
What you're into changes like the wind, and you
could never be forced to choose one thing. You
have to be free to follow what you love.

Poetry is man's rebellion against being what he is

A poet is an unhappy being whose heart is torn by secret sufferings, but whose lips are so
strangely formed that when the sighs and the cries escape them, they sound like beautiful
music... and then people crowd about the poet and say to him: "Sing for us soon again;"
that is as much as to say, "May new sufferings torment your soul."

-Soren Kierkegaard

SLIGHT SMILE

Smiling and feeling that it is tough not to have a place where I belong 
What should I do if I get tired of myself living with a smile?
Like the people rotten and lying around, am I going to rot?
I don’t know I surely can’t help
I wonder where does it come from, the idea writing and performing by oneself
To tell the truth, it is miserable, huh?
Won’t go away Won’t fade away I can’t help smiling
after one minute, the face turns blue and the heart beating so hard, the word death is in my mind
shouting 1000 times, it’s already a ten seconds left until after one minute
In that way, I keep on betrayed every day and smiling foolishly
Foolishly
I am a "DARUMA" doll with an air hole in my breast
It is matter of sex and death but after they get bored with me it’s a show tent
Spat on and got tired of looking, there will be no body peek-a-boo

I can’t smile

When I'm alone - Lissie

I turned my back, you were gone in a flash like you always do
You always go off somewhere else
And when the phone rang and I thought it was you
And I sprung like a kid who just got out of school
But it’s almost, always never you, never you
I scream like a child, my insides when, woah

And when I'm alone with you
You make me feel and you make me feel
When I'm alone with you
You are the one and you are the one

And when I reach out and I only got air
And it killed me to think that you never did care
And it's hopeless, you always run off somewhere else
And I throw in a tantrum
Why are you such a battle?

And when I'm alone with you
You make me feel and you make me feel
When I'm alone with you
You are the one and you are the one

And when I'm alone with you
You make me feel and you make me feel
When I'm alone with you
You are the one and you are the one

Remind me of home when you're around me
The next time you leave don't go without me
No, don't go, no, yeah

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel, that you are the one, you are the one
And when I'm alone with you
You make me feel and you make me feel
Yeah, when I'm alone with you
You are the one and you are the one

And when I'm alone with you
You make me feel and you make me feel

Not the drinking - Lauren Pritchard

How can I feel like this?
Thought if I stayed out late and partied hard
Maybe I wouldn't notice
The last time I saw a road was weeks ago

It's not the drinking, it's not the drugs
It's not the money, cause there's enough
It's not the phone you never answer
Its just the love that you don't feel anymore

"Why can't you keep a man?"
I can hear mother saying like she does
She should just understand
Not everything in this world is good for us

It's not the drinking, it's not the drugs
It's not the money, cause there's enough
It's not the phone you never answer
Its just the love that you don't feel anymore
Do you feel anymore?

Don't you run away when I'm talking to you
I need a little more
Been around the world, but you don't know do you?
I need a little more
Never had a chance to make it good, oh but I, I

It's gonna be easy now
Not that you made my bed for me to lie in
This ship is going down
And all I can do is stand and fear the water

It's not the drinking, it's not the drugs
It's not the money, cause there's enough
It's not the phone you never answer
Its just the love that you don't feel anymore

It's not the drinking, it's not the drugs
It's not the money, cause there's enough
It's not the phone you never answer
Its just the love that you don't feel anymore
Do you feel anymore?

Told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone

Forget sadness, happiness, love, depressions, stupidity, craziness and so on. Those emotions, feelings, moments are just a small fraction of what this world is.

I've come to realize that the world is only filled up with anger. So much we're bursting at the seams. Everyone I know, seen, are always angry about something, someone. For the most of the time, we're all angry about something.


Mood: Stressed
Music: (*Fin) - Anberlin

Fake plastic trees - Radiohead

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time

All the time
All the time

Someone else - The Rasmus

She drinks the blood of the dinosaurs
To get her powers back
To make her boyfriend understand
That things are not what they used to be
She doesn't have a plan
To make her boyfriend understand

Through the gates of insanity, on the edge of humanity
She's gonna make her dreams come true
Through the gates of insanity, on the edge of humanity
She's gonna make her dreams come true

That she belongs to someone else
That she belongs to someone else

To somebody else
To someone else
To somebody else

She's found something to die for
Something to fight for
Someone to show her the way
She's found someone to cry for
Someone to lie for
Heart full of blood of the dinosaurs

And now she belongs to someone else
And now she belongs to someone else

To somebody else
To someone else
To somebody else
To someone else
To somebody else
To somebody else
To somebody else

Keep your heart broken - The Rasmus

Enfolding your love in my heart
By the dawn I'll be gone
The road keeps us apart
For some time I'll be gone

You promised to swallow your tears when I leave you
You promised to follow the leads I will give you
You said you would crawl in the dark from the laughter
You said you would long after me ever after

My love will grow black if your heart gets stolen
Just promise to keep your heart
One day I'll come back if the door's still open
Just promise to keep your heart broken

Days go by like the wind
And this life is too short
It makes no sense to give in
To release you from my thoughts
I promised to write you, I'll always remember
I promised to try to be back 'til December
I said I must go, I must face this disaster
I said I would come after you ever after

My love will grow black if your heart gets stolen
Just promise to keep your heart
One day I'll come back if the door's still open
Just promise to keep your heart broken

If you just promise to keep your heart
Promise to keep your heart broken
If you just promise to keep your heart
Broken, broken, broken, broken

My love will grow black if your heart gets stolen
Just promise to keep your heart
One day I'll come back if the door's still open
Just promise to keep your heart broken
Forever and after my love
Just promise to keep your heart broken

Shadow - Josh Hoge

Driving in the pouring rain
Wishing you would wash away
Thought I left you far behind
Back when we both said goodbye
You're in every face I see
Even strangers on the street
You live in this radio
There's nowhere that I can go

Try to run, I try to hide
I leave your memory behind
Like a shadow you won't leave
I take you everywhere with me
Take you everywhere with me
Take you everywhere with me

I would walk across the world
A million miles from what we were
If that would free me from your chains
Help me forget your name

Try to run, I try to hide
I leave your memory behind
Like a shadow you won't leave
I take you everywhere with me
Take you everywhere with me

I can't shake you
I can't make you go away
And I can't take this
Haunting me for one more day

Try to run, I try to hide
Leave your memory behind
Like a shadow you won't leave
I take you everywhere with me

Try to run, I try to hide
I leave your memory behind
But like a shadow you won't leave
I take you everywhere with me
Take you everywhere with me

Confused enough by life so thanks a lot

Why do we love watching people get hurt? Fall on their asses. We laugh at it, so we can't hate it. Programs like AFV showing countless of clips where people fall, get hit, hurt and so on. Or we read sites like FMyLife. A site that includes various types of incidents that makes peoples life hell.

Is it simply because it's funny? I don't think that's all there is to it. Some people seem to think that people who are depressed think they are alone about it. People who have gone through something horrible, might think they're all alone. That something like this never happened to anyone else. But I honestly don't think that we're more miserable because we might think we're alone in the shit we're in. So that would be the reason why we love seeing others pain and misery.

No. Quite frankly, I think we just need to know someone has it worse than ourselves. That maybe we have it bad, but at least someone is worse off.


Mood: Stressed
Music: Spitting games - Snow Patrol

The Lollipop Test

You Are Daring

You are obsessed with living an exciting,
unforgettable life. There's so much you want to
do.
No one can tell you what to do. You take your
own path in life, and you don't follow any rules.

You are the type of person who goes for it. Often
times, making the right decision simply means
making a decision.
Some may think you're too off the wall, but you
live a carefree life that everyone envies.

Why do we think we're in control?

I tried to do some studying. But in the end that was another try down the drain. I started playing around in photoshop instead. Like making a new header for this blog. New icons and started on a moodtheme with Xiah (JYJ, ex. DBSK). The moodtheme is for LJ though. Icons too, mostly that's where I'll use them (laughs). I really needed to get some studying done though... I'm so far behind and just failing at everything I try to do so. Can't wait for Christmas. I'm just gonna sleep and watch movies, and eat in between, lol. By the time Christmas comes knocking we're far into the dark winter time. But it's around December 20 that the sun turns and begins on the journey back here. Which means that it's just like 17-18 days until it leaves... November 20 or 21. That's what it's like living so far up north. 2 months without sun during winter and 2 months during summer where it just doesn't get dark. I like both in their own ways. I like the darkness during winter, our snow lights up the darkness anyways. And I like going out in the middle of the night during summer and be able to see everything. I like waking up not really knowing for sure whether or not it's morning or night. And now I'm rambling, and I want to say something else, but I have to go now.


Mood: Bored
Music: Thousand mile wish - Finger Eleven

Thousand mile wish - Finger Eleven

Forgive me, if now I wear the face of worry
This time alone could never cause any doubt
But I’ve been cold too long
Such a strange time to find myself coming down as the rain
With all these holes, my love
To fill up from the middle
This storm could stay all night

So can you stay until we close our eyes
Til your dreams hold mine
Just stay until we know we tried one more time

Cause laughing lovers can overcome their closest demons
And they’ll go on and they won’t let go
They saw something that they know has never come so close

Can it stay until we know ourselves?
I’m torn as I tell
You’re the story that I know and fell from
I’m so far into your story I don’t know why
We think we’re in control
When we lie between the lines

We’ll find a line to follow
It’s got to show real soon
Or we’ll never reach this high

We climb a little further
Cause there’s nothing we can’t get around together

So we stay until the ground
That we can’t come down from splits us away
Maybe stars know why we fall
I just wish they were thinking out loud
I, I could wish all night
I could wish all night
I could wish all night
I could wish all night

Open up your eyes - Daughtry

A single rose left to remember
As a single tear falls from her eye
Another cold day in December
A year from the day she said goodbye

Seems it's only been a moment
Since the angels took him from her arms
And she was left there holding on to their tomorrow
But as they laid him in the ground
Her heart would sing without a sound

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life
Just open up your eyes, eyes

A single lifetime lays behind her
As she draws her final breath
Just beyond the door he'll find her
Taking her hand he softly says

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life

Just open up your eyes as I lay you down tonight
Safe on the other side, no more tears to cry

For the first time you can open your eyes
And see the world without your sorrow
Where no one knows the pain you left behind
And all the peace you could never find
Is waiting there to hold and keep you
Welcome to the first day of your life

Just open up your eyes

Breathe you in - Thousand Foot Krutch

Taking hold, breaking in
The pressures on, need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates

It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, and not impersonate

I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
Cause I need to breathe
I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
So tired of running
Cause I need to breathe
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock, I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me

I tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
Cause I need to breathe
I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
Cause I need to breathe

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows, there's a truth that I know
And it's you

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
Cause I need to breathe
I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
So tired of running
Cause I need to breathe
I want to breathe you in

I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to, I want to
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe
I want to, I want to
Want to breathe you in

I don't believe you when you say don't come around here no more

Looking through my photographs I suddenly stumbled upon some I didn’t even know I had. Photographs of him, which makes me feel warm inside to know I have lasting memories to look back on.

There is this one photograph in particular. Where the sky is the background and he is staring up at it. I look at it and am instantly brought back to that day. To every day when I got to see his face, hear his laughter and be amazed by his skills. His beautiful self shines brightly in that one photograph. I try not to think about him too much. And that’s okay, now I know that I have something to remember him with. Because after all, I’ve realized that I don’t want to forget about him.

It’s fine that I won’t ever see him again. I have the memories I have. All which are good ones, I got through that year, and I wouldn’t want to have anything else. Like this is perfect.


Mood: Exhausted
Music: Under the ground - The Working Title

The young and the hopeless - Good Charlotte

Hard days made me, hard nights shaped me
I don't know they somehow saved me
And I know I'm making something out of this life they called nothing
I take what I want, take what I need
They say it's wrong, but it's right for me
I won't look down, won't say I'm sorry
I know that only God can judge me

And if I make it through today, will tomorrow be the sam?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall
Should I get up and carry on, or will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm young and I'm hopeless
I'm lost and I know this
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say
I'm troublesome, I've fallen
I'm angry at my father
It's me against this world and I don't care, I don't care

And no one in this industry
Understand the life I lead
When I sing about my past
It's not a gimmick, not an act
These critics and these trust fund kids
Try to tell me what punk is
But when I see them on the streets, they got nothing to say

And if I make it through today, will tomorrow be the same?
Am I just running in place?
And if I stumble and I fall
Should I get up and carry on, or will it all just be the same?

Cause I'm young and I'm hopeless
I'm lost and I know this
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say
I'm troublesome, I've fallen
I'm angry at my father
It's me against this world and I don't care

I don't care, I don't care, now, I don't care

I'm young and I'm hopeless
I'm lost and I know this
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say
That I'm troublesome, I've fallen
I'm angry at my father
It's me against this world and I don't care
I don't care, I don't care, I don't care
I don't care

The anthem - Good Charlotte

It's a new day, but it all feels old
It's a good life, that's what I'm told
But everything, it all just feels the same

At my high school, it felt more to me
Like a jail cell, a penitentiary
My time spent there, it only made me see

That I don't ever wanna be like you
I don't wanna do the things you do
I'm never gonna hear the words you say
and I don't ever wanna, I don't ever wanna be

You, don't wanna be just like you
Oh, what I'm saying is this is the anthem, throw all your hands up
You, don't wanna be you

"Go to college, a university, get a real job"
That's what they said to me
But I could never live the way they want
I'm gonna get by, and just do my time, out of step while, they all get in line
I'm just a minor threat so pay no mind

Do you really wanna be like them?
Do you really wanna be another trend?
Do you wanna be part of that crowd?
Cause I don't ever wanna, I don't ever wanna be

You, don't wanna be just like you
Oh, what I'm sayin' is this is the anthem throw all your hands up
You, don't wanna be you

Shake it once, that's fine
Shake it twice, that's okay
Shake it three times, you're playing with yourself, again

You, don't wanna be just like you
What I'm saying is this is the anthem throw all your hands up
You all got to feel me, sing if you're with me
You, don't wanna be just like you
This is the anthem throw all your hands up
You all got to feel me, sing if you're with me

Another loser anthem
Another loser anthem
Another loser anthem
Another loser anthem

Going through changes - Eminem

I’m going through changes
I’m going through changes

Lately I really feel like I’m rollin’ for delf like Philly
Feel like I’m losin’ control of myself
I sincerely apologize if all that I sound like is I’m complainin’
But life keeps on complicatin’
And I’m debatin’ on leavin’ this world this evenin’
Even my girls can see I’m grievin’
I try and hide it but I can’t
Why do I act like I’m all high and mighty
When inside I’m dyin’
I am finally realizin’ I need help
Can’t do it myself, too weak
Two weeks I’ve been havin’ ups and downs
Goin’ through peaks and valleys
Dilly dallyin’ round with the idea of endin’ this shit right here
I’m hatin’ my reflection
I walk around the house tryin’ to fight mirrors
I can’t stand what I look like, yeah
I look fat, but what do I care?
I give a fuck
Only thing I fear’s Hailie
I’m afraid if I close my eyes that I might see her, shit

I’m going through changes
I’m going through changes

I lock myself in the bedroom, bathroom
Nappin’ at noon, yeah, dad’s in a bad mood, he’s always snappin’ at you
“Marshall, what happened that you
Can’t stop with these pills
And you fallin’ off with your skills
And your own fans are laughin’ at you?”
It become a problem you’re too pussy to tackle
Get up, be a man, stand
A real man would have had this shit handled
Know you just had your heart ripped out and crushed
They say Proof just flipped out
Homie just whipped out and bust
Nah, it ain’t like Doody to do that
He wouldn’t fuckin’ shoot at nobody, he’d fight first
But dwellin’ on it only makes the night worse
Now I’m poppin’ Vic’s, Perc’s and Methadone pills
“Yeah, Em, tight verse
You killed it”
Fuckin’ drug dealers hang around me like yes men
And they gon’ do whatever I says when I says it
It’s in their best interest to protect their investment
And I just lost my fuckin’ best friend
So fuck it I guess then

I’m going through changes
I’m going through changes
Don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I just keep on going through changes

My friends can’t understand this new me
That’s understandable
Man, but think how bananas you’d be
You’d be an animal too
If you were trapped in this fame and caged in it like a zoo
And everybody’s lookin’ at you
What you want me to do?
I’m starting to live like a recluse
And the truth is fame’s startin’ to give me an excuse
To be at a all time low
I sit alone in my home theater
Watchin’ the same damn DVD of the first tour, the last tour
He was still alive
And it hurts so I fast forward
Sleepin’ pills will make me feel alright
And if I’m still awake in the middle of the night
I’ll just take a couple more
Yeah, you’re mother fuckin’ right
I ain’t slowin’ down for no one
I am almost homeward bound
Almost in a coma, yeah
Homie, come on dole ‘em out
“Daddy don’t you die on me
Daddy better hold your ground”
Fuck, don’t I know the sound of that voice
Yeah, baby hold me down

I’m going through changes
I’m going through changes
Don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I just keep on going through changes

Wake up in the hospital
Full of tubes
But somehow I’m pulling through
Swear when I come back I’ma be bullet proof
I’ma do it just for Proof
I think I should state a few facts
Cause I may not get a chance again to say the truth
Shit, it just hit me that what if I would not have made it through?
I think about the things I would have never got to say to you
I’d never get to make it right
So here’s what I came to do
Hailie this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina too
I still love your mother, that’ll never change
Think about her every day
We just could never get it together
Hey, wish there was a better way for me to say it
But I swear on everything, I’ll do anything for her on any day
There are just too many things to explain
When it rains, guess it pours, yes it does
Wish there wasn’t any pain
But I can’t pretend there ain’t
I ain’t placin’ any blame
I ain’t poitin’ fingers, Heavens knows I’ve never been a Saint
I know that it feels like we just pissed away our history
And just today, I looked at your picture
Almost if to say “I miss you” subconsciously
Wish it didn’t end this way
But I just had to get away
Don’t know why
I don’t know what else to say
I guess I’m

I’m going through changes
I’m going through changes
Don’t know what I’m gonna do, but I just keep on going through changes

Airplanes - B.O.B. feat. Hayley Williams, Eminem

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now

Dreaming, of falling
Dreaming, of falling

Let’s pretend like its 98
Like I'm eating lunch off of Styrofoam trays
Trying to be the next rapper coming out the A
Hoping for a record deal to ignore my pain
Now, let’s pretend like I'm on the stage
And when my beat drops everybody goes insane, okay
And everybody know my name
And everywhere I go people wanna hear me sing
Oh yeah, and I just dropped my new album
On the first week I did five-hundred thousand
Gold in the spring, and diamond in the fall
And then a world tour just to top it all off
And let’s pretend like they called me the greatest
Selling out arenas with big ass stages
And everybody loved me, and no one ever hated
Let’s try to use imagination

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now

Okay, let’s pretend like this never happened
Like I never had dreams of being a rapper
Like I didn't write raps up in all of my classes
Like I never used to run away into the blackness
Now, let’s pretend like it was all good
Like I didn't live staring in a notebook
Like I did the things that I probably knew I should
But I ain’t have neighbor’s that’s why they call it hood
Now let’s pretend like I ain’t got a name
Before they ever call me B.O.B. a.k.a. Bobby ray
I'm talking back before the mix-tapes
Before the videos and the deals and the fame
Before the ever once compared me to Andre
Before I ever got on MySpace
Before they ever noticed my face
So let’s just pretend and make wishes out of airplanes

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now

And it seems like yesterday, it was just a dream
But those days are gone, and just memories
And it seems like yesterday, it was just a dream
But those days are gone

Alright, let’s pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen
Let’s pretend things would have been no different
Pretend he procrastinated, had no motivation
Pretend he just made excuses that were so paper-thin
They could blow away with the wind
“Marshall you're never gonna make it
Makes no sense to play the game, there ain't no way that you'll win”
Pretend he just stayed outside all day and played with his friends
Pretend he even had a friend to say was his friend
And it wasn't time to move and schools were changing again
He wasn't socially awkward and just strange as a kid
He had a father and his mother wasn't crazy as shit
And he never dreamed he could rip stadiums and just lazy as shit
Fuck a talent show in a gymnasium bitch
You won't amount to shit, quit daydreaming kid
You need to get your cranium checked
You thinking like an alien, it just ain't realistic
Now pretend they ain't just make him angry with this shit
And there was no one he could even aim when he's pissed it
And his alarm went off to wake him off
But he didn't make it to the rap Olympics
Slept through his plane and he missed it
He's gon' have a hard time explaining to Hailie and Laney these food stamps and this WIC shit
Cause he never risked shit
He hopes and he wished it
But it didn't fall in his lap so he ain't even here
He pretends that

Airplanes in the night sky like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now

Do you have the fears of a child or an adult?

You Have the Fears of a Child

At your core, you are still very young and
vulnerable.
You still haven't found your place in the world,
and you're wondering how you will fit in.

You tend to have highly emotional fears. You
worry that your whole world will fall apart.
Your life is fairly unstable right now. Your fears
feel very vivid and very real.

Sat on the floor in a grey, grey room

Instead of sitting on the couch or lie in my bed. I find myself more and more often, somewhere down on the floor. Inside I feel like hiding away. Like I don't have to be myself, be anyone, down on the floor. Instead of looking down, I can look up and see the world around me. I don't have to be anyone...


Mood: Dirty
Music: Thank you - Nell

Her absence seems absurd

So... Funny how putting a smile on your face and making up lies to avoid or to talk around what really is the problem, is easier. Much simpler for us than to just say what is wrong. When in the long run, all that is a futile effort to hide what one day will stand under the sun with us. Hiding, keeping everything inside of you, only wears you down worse than confronting someone ever will.


Mood: Exhausted
Music: Yami ni furu kiseki (classical white ver.) - D'espairsRay

The drugs don't work - The Verve

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down
And I hope you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

But I know I'm on a losing streak
As I passed down by your street
And if you wanna show, then just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Cause baby, if Heaven calls, I'm coming too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm coming down

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Cause baby, if heaven calls, I'm coming too
Just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead

But if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again

Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again 

I'm never going down, I'm never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
I'm never coming down, I'm never going down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
I'm never coming down, I'm never going down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
I'm never coming down, I'm never going down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
I'm never coming down, I'm never going down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more

Sky is painted white again

I give up on this.
Nothing is being done.
I'll just quit now and go home.
Still don't want to though.


Mood: Hungry
Music: Heel over head - Puddle of Mudd

「大じょうぶ」 いいえ。

Woooo. I'm at school right now. Dunno what I'm doing here. Haven't been here in a week or something more. We don't have many lectures, you see.

My goal is to do my Phonetics homework. Which I totally have no clue about whatsoever. I should have done it by Friday. Now it's Tuesday. I'm pretty much fucking screwed. There is my Academic Writing paper that is due.... Sunday? I think. Blah. Not looking forward to checking out what that paper is all about. Yeah, I didn't even start on it yet.... What an awful student I am (sighs). Where is the motivation I had this summer? Better yet, the motivation I once had to study? If so happens that I get through this year, I'm pleased with that.

The only thing I do know about teaching, is how not to be. I've had my share of bad teachers (laughs).


Mood: Hungry
Music: サクラメイロ - Fatima

Party - Tatsumi Kaiya

We live our lives as if every day is a Saturday night.

Not Friday.
Not Sunday.
Saturday.

As if we had all the time in the world.
But we do worry a bit about the future.

Two people are better than one.
The more the merrier.

Time to start the party.

Saying sorry won't do a damn thing

There are times when I'm in one room. Through the walls I can hear someone talking in the next room, or a room close by. Having fun with it, I try to hear who is talking. Y'know, people have different voices and can be told apart just from hearing them, right. So I'll listen carefully and try to find out for myself who it is. Most of the time, I make up my mind quickly about who it is. But later when I walk out, that person is not there, and was not there earlier.

While listening to music, I suddenly think that my phone is ringing, or I'm getting a message. But I'm not. Sometimes I'm just sitting quietly somewhere and I hear my phone ringing, but it isn't. 

On a daily basis do I talk to myself. I will make weird noises. Tell myself what I'm going to do next. What will I eat for breakfast. Where do I need to go, what do I need to do. I often say things like this out loud to myself. Even if I'm troubled by something, someone, I will reason loudly with myself and have debates. I talk to myself everyday.

Inside of my head are many voices that tell me this and that. It's called having a conscience, it's being normal.

I feel sad, lonely, lost, unhappy each and every day. 
I'll wake up hating myself and the world and whatever is in it.

Sometimes my eyes don't see the things that are right in front of me. Other times they even see things that aren't even there, or might not exist.

I am fucked up on so many levels it can't even be explained. I'm a bit OCD sometimes too, with so many things. My attention span is shit. I rarely listen to what people say. It does not however mean I'm autistic, have ADHD/ADD, and it certainly does not make me crazy.

If you keep thinking that you are insane or crazy. If you want to be that, then you'll surely become that too. But if are able to look past that and labelling yourself into something that you are not. Then you too will realize that you are just as fucking normal as everyone else is. I know you're not crazy, we all know you aren't, it's just your shit-faced mother who needs you to be crazy so that she won't have to fucking face up to the fact that she fucking ruined you, broke you and destroyed you. You're not crazy, you just had a fucked up childhood. We all do, but yours was worse. However as bad as it was, you're not crazy because of it. You're just broken and damaged and needs help. This insanity your mother wants to label you with is something that would have run in the family, and it doesn't. So you are not fucking crazy. You just need help.

Plus, had those "symptoms" meant you are insane and out of your mind, then I would be so too. And I think the whole world would be so too.


Mood: Annoyed
Music: Sometimes "sorry" is the wrong thing to say - Ryan Calhoun

あきれるくらい 僕らは願おう

あきれるくらい 僕らは願おう (Akireru kurai bokura wa negaou)

Vocals: 錦戸亮 (Nishikido Ryo)
Piano: 国分 太ー (Kokubun Taichi)


Being afraid of trusting others
Lying for the sake of others

It may look like everyone's face is different
But they are each forms of their emotions

It isn't something that's very convenient
It doesn't sparkle like a diamond either
But it is a light that will always shine in the room deep inside our hearts

It's not all that useful either and at times it creates scars
But I'm sure we'll be able to forgive each other

We wish till we almost get sick of it, the world will become one
We'll get through the nights that have no light
Before those countless tears soak tomorrow
We'll gently hold hands

We wish till we almost get sick of it, the world will become one
We'll get through the nights that have no light
Before those countless tears soak tomorrow
Gently take your hand

A shining future, an oath in our hearts, the world will become one
We'll take along our endless dreams
Until the day when those countless tears change into smiles
We will always be holding hands

Trying not to forget

Should I try to sleep tonight? I don't feel like I'd be able to fall asleep anyways. I'm a mess insides (laughs). I feel so incredibly troubled. I didn't hand in my phonetics paper. I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow morning. I need to ask mom about something, and I'm dragging out the time as always because I hate asking others for anything. Depending and getting help, doesn't work for me.

I really hate tomorrow's. 
And I'm no good with mornings....


Mood: Uncomfortable
Music: Who we are - Lifehouse

「夢は見るだけのものじゃない」

Sorezore no Sora それぞれの空

That is the title I gave this blog. Which is Japanese and mean "Each sky". To me this means that we all have our own sky. Our own life, world, our own way and path to follow. And the sky is different for all of us. It holds different meanings, views, opinions.

So even if you disagree. If you don't like it. This is my sky and I have my own world. You don't have to like it.

"Because frankly my dear, I don't care."


Mood: Tired
Music: Tidløs - Postgirobygget

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe

When was the last time you heard a song that made you think:
"This is why I love music!"

I can't even remember when the last time I thought that. When as song played itself into my mind, heart and spirit. I just can't. Everyday I listen to music. And I try to find new bands/artists/groups or just songs. And I do think that it's good. Wonderful and brilliant.

But that amazing feeling you get the first time you listen to a fucking great song, where is it?

Seems like once something starts to hurt, everything starts to hurt. If you lose one thing, suddenly everything is gone. If you fall apart, everyone, everything, around you start falling apart too. Where does it all disappear to?


Mood: Tired
Music: Back in style - Superfamily

Every step that I take is another mistake

Most of us don't think about wanting to live forever. Most people does not even think about how their life one day will simply stop. Just living every day like they want to, without thinking too much about how pointless everything we do really is.

One day it's all over. Whether you believe in Heaven and Hell. Reincarnation and a second life. Or if you don't believe in anything. There is nothing in this life you can take above the ground when you die. You can't take anything into your next life. And if there's nothing once you're six feet under, well then nothing mattered.

So what we do. What we gain. Material or emotionally. Nothing matters. What you do is pointless, isn't it? There's nothing you do here, that will matter when it comes down to it.

I don't know why I'm living. My life is nothing. I have no one. My parents have each other. Sister have her boyfriend (and I'm sure they'll marry in a few years or so).  Brother has his friends, sister and our parents. My few friends have their family, friends and dogs. If I was no longer around, it would not matter to any of them. Maybe they'd feel weird or uncomfortable about it at first. But they all have someone else in their life, so they would easily get over it. If I died, my life is nothing no, so there's nothing that would really change, right? I'm not important, so it doesn't matter if I die.

Why am I still living? Why am I still here? Why can't I pick myself up and become someone? Why can't I just matter? Why can't I just die....

I'm not lonely. Not really. But it hurts. So much, so much, so... I don't want to die, but I'm not living at the moment.

I want to have my own dog. My own apartment. Somewhere far away from this town. I want to matter. Just that. I want to have a future of some kind. I don't want to cry anymore.


But for now. I'll keep smiling and I'll just be the empty shell everyone see me as. No one has to know.


Mood: Tired
Music: Keep it together - Guster

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

I'm empty. Just plain and simply, empty.

I have my life. I have school and I have work. But there's just nothing. I try to do my homework, but it won't come to me. Really I am trying. I read the letters, but no words register. I try to figure out what is it they want from me. But I just can't understand it. I have nothing inside of me to make this possible.

I'm just empty.


Mood: Uncomfortable
Music: Waterfall - Alice Nine