Every step that I take is another mistake

Most of us don't think about wanting to live forever. Most people does not even think about how their life one day will simply stop. Just living every day like they want to, without thinking too much about how pointless everything we do really is.

One day it's all over. Whether you believe in Heaven and Hell. Reincarnation and a second life. Or if you don't believe in anything. There is nothing in this life you can take above the ground when you die. You can't take anything into your next life. And if there's nothing once you're six feet under, well then nothing mattered.

So what we do. What we gain. Material or emotionally. Nothing matters. What you do is pointless, isn't it? There's nothing you do here, that will matter when it comes down to it.

I don't know why I'm living. My life is nothing. I have no one. My parents have each other. Sister have her boyfriend (and I'm sure they'll marry in a few years or so).  Brother has his friends, sister and our parents. My few friends have their family, friends and dogs. If I was no longer around, it would not matter to any of them. Maybe they'd feel weird or uncomfortable about it at first. But they all have someone else in their life, so they would easily get over it. If I died, my life is nothing no, so there's nothing that would really change, right? I'm not important, so it doesn't matter if I die.

Why am I still living? Why am I still here? Why can't I pick myself up and become someone? Why can't I just matter? Why can't I just die....

I'm not lonely. Not really. But it hurts. So much, so much, so... I don't want to die, but I'm not living at the moment.

I want to have my own dog. My own apartment. Somewhere far away from this town. I want to matter. Just that. I want to have a future of some kind. I don't want to cry anymore.


But for now. I'll keep smiling and I'll just be the empty shell everyone see me as. No one has to know.


Mood: Tired
Music: Keep it together - Guster