Does the television make you feel the pills you ate? Or every person that you need to be?

I know that I'm trying my hardest at doing everything. But I also know I'm not doing enough. Cause I know I should, but I just can't find any will to do school work. I know I should talk to my friends, but I don't have anything to say. Not that I have many friends either.

I had many before we moved some years ago. Then I started at a new school and struggled to fit in, yet I had many friends. Changed school's again and stopped trying. Graduated from that school and took two friends with me. Started school anew and only got along with my classmates, didn't even want to make friends with them. And I changed school's again and got loads of new friends, then I left that school and lost those friends. And recently a long time friend of mine, I can't find a reason for us to be friends. I'm constantly frustrated with how that person is. We don't hang out and we don't have anything to talk about. I got tired of doing all the work with our friendship, and once I stepped down, it died out. Makes me doubt she ever even wanted to be friends with me really. But it's fine, I'm done playing around.

I should work harder at school. I should work harder at home. I should work harder at everything. I know I work hard, and I also know that I don't have a spirit anymore. Everything about me is hollow and empty and missing. I don't see myself becoming anything cause I don't know what career I want. I don't see myself working anywhere. I don't see myself doing anything. I don't see myself ever being alive again. I'm so empty. Looking back on the last couple of weeks, did I even have one meaningful, decent conversation? Did I say something that wasn't obvious? Did I make up an opinion about something? What have I been doing these last couple of months? Looking back on photographs I took of myself, glass eyes showing a hollow soul. I find it hard to connect with people lately. I don't feel much sympathy for anyone. I don't relate well to their stories. Distance is growing longer, relationships only get colder. I'm young, there's so much I'm supposed to do, so much to see, so much to experience and live. Yet, I can barely find it in me to get up every morning. The days have no purpose and all that I'm lacking makes it a hundred times more uncomfortable around people, and I already have social anxiety. Or. Well. Some part of me tries so hard to care. Then the stronger part of me is indifferent to everything. I'm not making sense anymore.

I don't know why I am the way I am. If you want me to explain it, I can. Lately I've become good at lying to others. And I hate liars more than anything. Yet I just can't stop the lies from slipping off my own tongue. Can't control my mind enough to keep the lies from forming. And once I've said something, I just can't find it in myself to say it was a lie or apologize.


Mood: Blah
Music: G.O.O.D. LUV - MBLAQ