I'm sorry for being such a disappointment to you. I'm sorry for making you angry all the time. I'm sorry for not being good enough. I'm sorry for not ever gonna be good enough. I'm sorry for not being able to depend on anyone. I'm sorry for not knowing how to trust others. I'm sorry for being different. I'm sorry for not being what you want me to be. I'm sorry for being me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
But how can I be good enough in your eyes? You have never had to struggle with things I struggle with. You're not stupid like I am stupid. You're not as bad of a person as I am. I'm sorry for being me, but what else can I be...? And of course I can never begin to meassure up to them. They're perfect, aren't they? Their life's are good and they don't fail and they are just fucking perfect.
There so many things I wish I could tell you. But there is no possible way you can tell someone like that "I don't want to live, but I don't want to die" without being looked upon as if you're crazy. I can't do anything right. I can't think right. I am barely able to get out of bed these days. Because I need a reason for doing things. I can't continue with this no matter what because I just don't see a reason to do it. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't want to continue living a lie. But I can't tell you this. How could I ever? I know that you try your best to understand that others might feel like this. That they might struggle with this. But you've never felt it. You've never had to go through it. How can you ever understand? Already am I a big disappointment, why would I make things worse? Sometimes I just really wish I'd jumped when I was a kid. And all of these burdens that I am, you'd never have to see them or have them around.
So yes. I smile and laugh in front of you. I'm just like that in front of everyone else. But the truth is something entirely different. If you saw everything of me, everyday, all day. You might have seen that I'm not myself... If there ever really have been something completely "me". I don't sleep as much as I did before. I find it hard to fall asleep at night. I've had more nightmares these 3,5 months than I had last year all together. I cry more than I have before, rarely for any specific reason. I haven't left the house much the last one-two months. I haven't been social in a long time. I only eat one meal a day, and maybe some fruit. Not always because I'm hungry, but because I can't cut out eating all together. You'd ask questions if I stopped eating dinner.
You always look at me like that. Like you could never be more disappointed. Sometimes I wish you'd see how hard I work and how much effort I put in. Every day I put in a hell lot of work to just keep on living. But you don't see that. You never do. Never will. And I'll never tell you anything. I can never tell you anything. I will always be a black sheep. A disappointment. Someone who is never good enough. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. To you I'll always be nothing.
Truly, I am, sorry...
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